Friday, September 27, 2013

Welcome back, now here's your next challenge!

Well, I'm pleased to say I'm back in my hometown after entirely too long in AZ. I find myself having the weirdest kind of mild "PTSD"-- like having bad dreams about being there, dealing with certain people who just are not happy campers or who are simply snakes in the grass... the heavy, uncollegial, suspicious feelings were a lot to take, and I find that I may have to take some time to let them go. I'm still too touchy, too impatient, too sure the other shoe is about to drop.

And I really like my new job, even though it's been a bit hectic. I've not been on it for quite two months, and I have a lot to learn, but I know I can handle it. IF I can handle my own issues from the bad times in AZ.

Then of course, while I have great insurance, I have THIS picture above. It's not too bad overall, I THINK, but I don't know what my new neurologist will think of it.  The little bright spots on the left and right are pretty clear, but the radiology report wasn't panicky or anything.  My main worry is that I may have to go on meds, or he will want me to go on meds, and frankly, that will be expensive. I've been researching LDN, but really...

I took a big paycut to come back home to work at a place I've always wanted to work.  So, needless to say there have been bigger than normal changes. In addition the hubby's mom is quite poorly, and I'm not sure how much longer she'll be with us.  So there's that.

I know I need to take some time, and I know I need to stop feeling imminent dread all the time. Bear joined a MCC church here, and I like the preacher, even if I'm pretty much a heathen.  I kind of wish I could talk to him about my fears, or to anyone, but it all seems a bit pointless. I don't believe there's a supergod above who intervenes. So who to talk to, and to what avail?  So what? It's not like I'm going to get better all of a sudden and wake up with no brain spots.  I will eventually have to take some kind of meds again, and I may end up in a totally pimped-out, rhinestoned wheelchair one day.  That much I'm ok with. I guess I wish I was more okay with being me and realizing I have a lot of fallout form the past seven years to deal with.

Anyway... at the least, new start!