Unbearable pain-in-the-assness of being

I'm so fantastically poor at blogging consistently, even though sometimes it is helpful. The heat rising here in cr*AZ*y, though, is already taking its toll. I find myself thinking that you know, maybe I DO want to be on a drug, even as I realize my clinical trial drug is actually still doing its thing. It's the little stuff, you see. And for some reason, perhaps due to the heat, MS, and my crappy state, I'm much more in a funk than usual. I feel unusually alone, but also maybe a little hypersensitive to things. I don't have PBA, but still, sometimes I just feel like crying. Sometimes, I'm so tired I feel like crying. On the other hand, it's not like I have many very close friends around here, and indeed, sometimes I wonder about the friends I have- y'all ever do that? Like I worry or believe that I'm either not worthy of the friendship or that I'm more annoying than a friend. This of course would be a good time to find a good therapist, but I have tried and I just think there's not a lot of talent around here. OF COURSE, there's always that cloud of hey, are you ever gonna think about your mom's death, or your mom period, are you ever gonna really clean up your home and stop living like you'll die any second, and afre you going to stay with the person you are with now forever? Weighty issues, and I'm beginning to feel too many of them all at once now. See, this is when blogs become dull! I should probably carry on and write some story to get junk out of my head and onto the page. A little fiction now n then rarely hurt anyone:)

bwaahaha

WEGO Health post #1

My MS poster!

"Dear 16-year-old-me. Write a letter to yourself at age 16. What would you tell yourself? What would you make your younger self aware of?"

At 16, I was graduating HS, looking forward with a naive sense of possibility that only a teen can. Looking back, I think I would have told myself to be, oh, a little less in a rush:

Dear Sam: You feel on top of the world, and you have good cause to be proud. You're smart, fast, and enthusiastic, but not very socially bright. I have to say, perhaps you should learn to listen better. You'll need it in the future.

In addition, don't lean on your ability to get things quickly in school. I can tell you that you will hate math in the future if you don't dedicate some time to it and other subjects you're not very interested in. Don't wait until grad school to learn your limitations and push to overcome them.

You won't need to make everyone happy all the time-- so try to get over that. I know it will be hard, but your life will just be better.

Also, please enjoy the health and energy you have. It's too easy at such a young age to take everything for granted, including walking and seeing. Work out, play, and have fun, but do take care of yourself-- because ultimately, no one else will.

And know it'll probably be all right, but you may always have to be a little stronger, a little better, and a little faster than others, because the world won't be equitable in your lifetime. Don't let that get you down. But also know it's ok to get angry about it, and remember-- people will always say YOU'RE the one with the problems about race/gender/culture/politics, not their own unexamined selves.

Find friends. Find mentors. Find happiness in you, and remember to sit and be quiet once in a while, especially near water. You need that.